Pyongyang, North Korea
Following the wild success of the ‘James Franco Roast’ Comedy Central has been looking to take their ‘Roast’ brand international and has found a willing partner in the reclusive North Korean regime.
The first “Comedy Central Presents: The Roast of Traitor to the People XYR40213” aired on Pyongyang State TV last night in a glorious affair rivaling the spectacle of the mass games. All top Communist party brass were in attendance and they graciously welcomed the panel of assembled roasters. Emcee Katt Williams kicked the festivities off and he didn’t delay ripping a man described by Rodong Sinmun as “a subversive degenerate sapping the will of the great people’s revolution.”
“Look at this skinny ass motherfucker. Motherfucker you look like you’re being starved to death!” He joked to uproarious laughter from the auditorium.
Katt was joined on the dais by a ‘who’s who’ of high profile Communist party members including Chairman Kim Yong-nam, Premier Choe Yong-rim, Vice Marshal Kim Yong-chun, Actor Alec Baldwin, and Comedian Jamie Kilstein.
“You are a traitor to the people.” Kilstein intoned. “A traitor to Free People. Where did you get those clothes? Even Macklemore wouldn’t go to that thrift shop!”
But though the sharpest barbs were saved for the prisoner not even Supreme Commander Kim Jong-un could escape some respectful and deferent ribbing. “How benevolent is this motherfucker?” Katt asked rhetorically. “Man you love your people too goddamn much. Take a break from helping and uplifting every citizen in this nation. Get yourself a perm or something!” This prompted a gentle chuckle from the auditorium who all know how tirelessly and selflessly Kim works for the good of the North Korean people.
Immediately after Katt’s remarks the room was filled with wild cheering as a projector screen was lowered from the ceiling to display a video message submitted by the dear leader and great person born of heaven Kim Jong-un, who was unable to attend due to his constant diligence in sustaining the revolution. Each one of his jokes broke the world record for longest recorded audience laugh (64 seconds) and his performance closed with a recitation of the glorious hymn “Onwards Towards Final Victory” by the Song and Dance Ensemble of the Korean People’s Internal Security Forces. The event was paused for half an hour of clapping and continued chants such as “Glorify the year 2013 as a year of proud victory when an era of prosperity is unfolding!” and “I vow with bleeding tears to call Kim Jong-un my supreme commander, my leader!”
But finally it was time for the man of the hour. Between sobs XYR40213 thanked “merciful General Kim Jong-un, the shining sun and outstanding leader of the party, army, and people” for rooting out his treason and corruption. He apologized for his membership in the “evil, capitalistic and imperialist US CIA” at whose behest he attempted to access the Internet. He closed his set by begging for mercy for his parents and two sisters, giving him his biggest laugh of the night.
He was then dragged to the center of the stage and, with tears still running down his face, executed by firing squad. The auditorium gave a sustained standing ovation before the credits rolled and the TV cut to a rerun of “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”