Eliot Spitzer for US Attorney General, er, I mean New York City Comptroller

Like many men who have an affliction for prostitutes Eliot Spitzer is a casualty of CNN. Had he cut his teeth in an earlier political era we might today remember him as fondly as we do John F. Kennedy. Or probably not because he’s Jewish and people were really racist then.

“I hope you all had as much fun getting here as I did!”

But just as our news media tears politicians down for their sex scandals we’ve been forced to adapt and realize that the men and women who lead us aren’t so different from us. They, just like us, are fleshy balls of instinct and selfish desire only mildly tamed by human consciousness. This realization has birthed the phenomenon of the post sex scandal political comeback. And there is no politician I was more hoping would engage in one than Eliot Spitzer.

I like Eliot Spitzer so much because in his time as Attorney General of New York City he did this extremely rare thing. The job of Attorney General of New York City.

I heard a radio interview with Spitzer once where he spoke of how he always stressed to his daughters the importance of ‘fiduciary duty.’ He didn’t say how his daughters responded, whether they rolled their eyes and said “Dad, don’t be such a dork when Becky is sleeping over” or “Dad, your actions are going to give us a permanently conflicted view of the men in our lives.” But the phrase struck me because I had a four-year Economics degree and I had never heard it.

Fiduciary duty means a trust between two parties, particularly when one party is responsible for the money of another. And this phrase is so rare because fiduciary duty is completely absent from the culture of finance and from the financial institutions of today. Wall Street is no longer about helping others build a stable retirement through modest returns. It is about separating financially illiterate suckers from their money and playing high stakes roulette with a government subsidy.

We can contrast Spitzer’s aggressive prosecution of Wall Street fraud with our current US Justice Department. Our Attorney General Eric Holder and his now departed lackey Lanny Breuer are two men who manage to make Benedict Arnold look like a founding father. Despite overwhelming evidence of rampant criminal fraud they brought exactly zero prosecutions for the crisis of 2008. If they couldn’t do their jobs with such evidence then they certainly aren’t qualified to be working in, much less in charge of, the Justice Department. In fact I can’t think of any jobs they are qualified to do besides physically testing land mines or taking point on the first manned expedition into the Sun.

“Don’t worry Lanny, the oath only affects people with souls.”

I don’t endorse Spitzer’s personal conduct. For the record I think prostitution should be legal but when you have a wife and kids you bring a lot of pain to the people who aren’t wearing the bondage gear. But I don’t vote for a politician because I think they’re a cool person. I vote for a politician for what they are going to do for the people that they are allegedly supposed to represent. And I’m fucking sick of the old boys club of elites who are immune to the laws of this country because they went to school with the people making the laws.

I want Spitzer to win. I want him to win with 90% of the vote. I want people marching in the streets for what he represents. I want people following Hillary on the campaign trail and demanding that Spitzer be named US Attorney General. I want every politician to know that the people demand that everyone receive equal treatment under the law and that we’re going to knock down the whole rotten structure they’ve built if they don’t give it to us.

That’s why I’m voting for Eliot Spitzer for New York City Comptroller and I hope you do too.