Many people wrote off the 50 year old Randy Johnson as being done. Old. Washed up. Finished. Unable to keep up with the talent, energy, and vigor of the youth of today.

On Friday he proved the children of Williamsport, Pennsylvania wrong.

The reactions from the 11-13 year old batters he faced ranged from shock, to trauma, to fear. They repeatedly protested to officials that they were only kids and that a 50 year old former Cy Young winner should not be allowed on the mound. The fans in attendance were not to be denied though. Many had traveled from across the country to see The Big Unit’s return and they mercilessly booed when the children refused to emerge from the dug out. Other fans pelted the youngsters with eggs, batteries, and household trash. Finally a loud cheer went up as the first batter reluctantly walked out.

From the first pitch Jonhson was lights out, striking out 11 year old Shaun Brady on 3 consecutive 95 mile per hour fastballs. After the third pitch Brady wet himself and had to be carried out of the batters box by officials as he quaked in motionless fear.

Many children were too scared to even take their bats off their shoulders and struck out looking. Others when they did swing were hopelessly late. One child, 13 year old Gordon Smith, attempted to bunt his way on base. Both his wrists were shattered by the g-force trauma of a 98 mile per hour fastball striking the center of the aluminum bat he was tightly gripping. He was then thrown out at first.

In his post game press conference Randy Johnson remained humble. “I put in a lot of work to be able to come back out and pitch again and I’m glad the results were there. My fastball isn’t quite what it used to be but my slider still has bite.” He also apologized to the family of 13 year old Corey Ramone, one of five children hit by pitches during the ball game. Corey remains in intensive care and has not yet emerged from his coma.

Johnson took a no-hitter into the 5th inning. Willamsport’s only hit came when 12 year old Austin Michaels reached on an infield single after attempting to use his bat to shield his face from a 96 mile per hour heater coming directly at his skull. The threat died when the next two batters struck out and Austin was taken out of the game to be transported directly to a psych ward where he refuses to eat and hasn’t spoken to anyone since the incident.

Despite calls for his return to the major leagues Johnson insisted that this was just an exhibition game. “I’d like to still go out and pitch every now and then, just to see that I can still do it and to give back to those fans who never got a chance to see me throw in person. I just want to remind people that you’re never too old to go out and achieve something.” When asked how a 50 year old man could still throw in the high 90s Johnson gave the credit to his faith in God and his recent use of anabolic steroids.

The final score was Tucson, Arizona 2 – Williamsport, Pennsylvania 0. Randy Johnson’s line for the night was 5 innings pitched, 14 strikeouts, 1 hit, 1 base on balls, and 5 hit batsmen.

The save was recorded by Mariano Rivera, who came on in relief in the 6th inning and struck out the side to end the ball game.