Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas!
Santa here. Now I know some of the squeamish among you might rather I change it to “ho, ho, ho, happy holidays” or “ho, ho, ho, season’s greetings” or “ho, ho, ho, all praise be to Allah and his messenger on Earth the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.” Well unlike this President Santa doesn’t apologize for America. And Christmas is a federal holiday in these United States of America. I’m tired of sitting silent while stores mandate that their Christian employees say “happy holidays” instead of spreading the gospel of the one true Christ. I want to talk about who is really on my naughty list this year: all leftists, SJWs, liberals, and members of the Democratic party.
Because of you the brave men and women at NORAD have to work a double shift every Christmas to ensure my safety. I have been threatened, accused of sharecropping and racism, and had vile things insinuated about my wife with whom I have a healthy monogamous sexual relationship you projecting degenerates. So I’ve decided if you want a war I’ll bring it to you on your own turf. Santa’s mission from now on is pissing off liberals.
The first thing Santa is going to do is fire all the elves and blame it on union demands for wages. Then I’m going to turn the toy shop into a nightmarish sweatshop that makes a Chinese iPad factory look like the relaxed casual offices at Google. I’m talking 60 suicides a day minimum. I will also personally sexually harass every female employee. You want to sue me? Good luck getting a lawyer to come to the fucking north pole.
Second, I am no longer going to give bad children coal. Instead I will start burning industrial levels of coal for the sole purpose of increasing CO2 levels in the atmosphere. Naughty children will receive a slip in their stockings informing them of their carbon footprint and what species are going extinct because of their actions. The coal will be burned by illegal immigrants who I will purposefully keep in the dark about the health effects of inhaling the fumes.
Third, all the reindeer will be treated with hormones and antibiotics. They’ll be kept in tight cages and covered in each other’s feces but there will be an open roof so I can label it as free range and sell their meat at low cost to poor children. You remember the part in the documentary ‘Blackfish’ where that whale cried for more than a week after they took her child away from her? Well I butchered and ate Rudolph’s children in front of him like a month ago and he’s still bawling.
And guess what else: I’m getting presents for officer Darren Wilson. You fucking heard me. He’s getting a Wii U because you fucking liberal pieces of shit messed with the wrong fat man.
Merry Christmas cucks.