California Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) abruptly ended his bid to be the next Speaker of the House on Thursday amid a flurry of rumors and innuendo. On Wednesday Congressman Walter Jones (R-NC) had sent a cryptic open letter to the conference urging candidates to drop out of the race for speaker if they “had any skeletons in their closet” or “had engaged in sexual intercourse with a pie, cobbler, or any kind of cheesecake within the last two years.”

Kevin McCarthy is known as a staunch family values conservative but he is unmarried and rumored to be a virgin. In 2013 a hot microphone picked up McCarthy asking House Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA) “what does sex feel like?” Scalise responded that it feels like “warm apple pie.” A Washington Post reporter had previously caught McCarthy longingly sniffing an entitlement reform working paper that had been written by Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) who has a reputation for finger blasting congressional staffers.

The story was finally broken on the conservative blogosphere, which took a break from doxing rape victims to express their disgust. Erick Erickson at Redstate published a piece alleging that House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) had come home one day in 2013 to find McCarthy in the midst of coitus with an apple pie the Speaker’s wife had prepared for a bake sale to raise bail money for the murderer of an abortion doctor. McCarthy was so overcome with passion that Boehner had to turn the garden hose on him and repeatedly strike him with a magazine in order to get him to withdraw.

During a tearful press conference this morning McCarthy admitted it was true. He apologized to Boehner’s wife and to his constituents. He vowed to stay on as Majority Leader saying that the pie “wasn’t so innocent” and that there were far worse offenders in Washington, alleging that he once saw “the entire House Ways and Means Committee cut a watermelon in half, stick it in the microwave, and then take turns putting their dicks in it.” After the press conference #PieFuckingGate was immediately trending on Twitter. The McDonald’s Twitter account advertised a new dollar menu item called “the McCarthy” which consisted of four apple pies mashed together and covered in frosting.

Lawyers for the pie declined to comment for this story but said that a statement would be forth coming after the pie had time to “cool down.”