In the final days before the Iowa Caucus, Republican presidential candidates are making their last pitch to convince voters that they are the true heir to Ronald Reagan’s legacy as US President. Oddly enough the newest issue of importance to conservative grassroots activists is the story of a group of four American nuns who were kidnapped, raped, and murdered on orders of El Salvador’s military junta in 1980.

“President Reagan, in his infinite wisdom, lied to the Congress about who was responsible for the death of those nuns so that he could continue sending military aid to El Salvador.” Says conservative tax reformer Grover Norquist. “And it makes sense. I only regret that those piece of shit nuns didn’t suffer enough before they were sent back to hell.”

Sensing his moment Ted Cruz was the first candidate to voice his support for nun murder, telling a crowd in Iowa “I hate nuns so fucking much. If elected President I will personally put a bullet in every single goddamn nun I see. And, like Reagan, I will appoint a Secretary of State who tells Congress it was the nun’s own damn fault!” He received a four minute long standing ovation.

Marco Rubio soon followed Cruz’s lead telling patrons at a diner in New Hampshire that he had personally seen a nun eating there the week before. The disgusted patrons threw their food on the ground and stormed out. The restaurant has since been fire bombed by an angry mob.

Wary of being outflanked on the right Donald Trump picked up the issue in a typically stream of consciousness speech. Addressing a packed arena in Little Rock, Arkansas Trump mused  “when I’m President, we’re gonna kill so many nuns you’re not gonna believe it. You’re gonna be like ‘come on, could we stop killing nun after nun. There won’t be none left!’” This elicited guffaws at the play on words and also at the mental image of women of the faith begging for their lives before being brutally butchered.

Desperately searching for publicly for his flagging campaign Mike Huckabee brought a woman in a nun’s outfit on stage, hog tied and gagged at a recent rally in Des Moines, Iowa. A chorus of boos sounded out from the assembled throng.

“Die bitch.” He said as he cocked his AR-15 and pressed it against the back of her skull. A loud crack was heard and then her lifeless body was flung off the stage to cheers and chants of “USA, USA, USA!”

Iowa police would not comment on an ongoing criminal investigation.